I killed someone

Not deliberately, but I feel that I've contribute a lot to it. So a colleague told me that I shouldn't feel bad because 'she' wouldn't help herself to get better. But it was my fault she didn't recieve two days of IV Pantoprazole. I should have told my lecturer that the Pharmacy wouldn't let deliver the stock to the ward.

If I had given that two days dose, she wouldn't have rebleed. Probably? Mr Y said I may not have been the cause of the rebleed, but I feel that I am. So the OGDScope said that there was no more bleeding after that episode, but she did bleed a lot even for that one day episode of melena. Because of that, she didn't have to go for partial gastrectomy.

But she did have acute renal failure, and then suddenly develop pulmonary oedema. And 1 week later after I got transfered to another surgical team, I found out she had been sent to ICU.

I didn't saw her today. I saw her son. I saw a troly for a dead body came in the ICU this morning, and my heart sunk. I knew it was her. I need to find out tomorrow what she died of. Was it the bleeding duodenal ulcer? The massive pulmonary effusion? That would have been prevented by pleural tap, and we've done that for her already. Or is it the acute renal failure just worsens whatever her underlying condition?

I remember how difficult it was to take her consent...for any type of procedure. We had to console and persuade her for every procedure, and it would take hours. I remember when she came, she said she wouldn't mind dying, she just want to go back. We wanted to do an emergency laparotomy, and when she finally agrees at 6 pm (she was admitted since 10 am), it was a perforated duodenal ulcer. We had to call for relatives who can persuade her again and again. She kept wanting to go back to Kedah. She was only in her 50s.

Is it because she didn't believe in us? Maybe so. Maybe I should have visit by her bed more often even after I change team, but that's the past I can never go back to. Sometimes I go back to her notes, to see her progress, but this last week, I didn't.

I just feel bad about it. The thought was clouding my head even when Rusydan took me the movie to see Eragon, when I'm riding the lrt, and even when looking at Primavera shoes! The worst thing is, I saw the family in the hallway, but I didn't know what to say to them. I didn't even say 'sorry'. Guilt, I guess.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ahmad Salman
DATE: 01/24/2007 05:26:46 AM

dont feel bad for urself ici. u did ur best. even the greatest doctor in the world could not stop death. but this is not the question is it? u're asking urself did u do ur best... well, take it this way. guilt is good to feel the sorrow so that we may live a more meaningful life. luv ya sis.
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