Stressed...

at work, and nothing else does it other than the people around you. This bulan Ramadhan is a real trial for my patience. It's been only the first week, and I kept getting home exhausted of my feelings and thoughts of anger, and I HATE IT! I don't want to feel this way :( I know I easily get moody when I'm hungry, but this is BEYOND me.

Why is there so many double standards in our lives? I don't know how, but the radiology system at my place needs a change. They need to see the patient more than just what's on screen or some written papers! Just because the father of the radiology staff got a suspected stroke, they easily say, 'Oh! we can easily slot in MRangio today!'. And there's a guy in ICU who's GCS dropping from 13 to 9 to 6 to 3, they couldn't do because they don't see the urgency to it?! Suddenly they can EASILY SLOT IN this VVIP, and not at least one other urgent case for the day???

Off course we need the MRI if we can't see anything in the CT scan! Dhuh, if we can see in the CT, why do we need the MRI? How could we go on with the management if you can't back up support for the diagnosis. Isn't it a good thing if even we ask for a CT scan or whatever, that it turned out to be negative? It surely excludes a life threatening possible diagnosis ain't it? Stupidas.

They can't even liased with their own fellow radiologist for the best mode of investigation. They turned down our Ultrasound doppler for thrombosis, discussed with their senior or lecturer, then suggested for a CT Angiogram for better mode of visualization, AND THEN they ask ME to go ask from the lecturer in charge of the CT Angio. Their time is SOOOO precious sitting on the chair in front of the blackened room, asking the patient to be sent down within 5 minutes from the wards, and I bet not a single one of them have EVER HELP push the patient from the ward, with wires and oxygen tank haywired, to the trauma centre. Imagine pushing just 3 patients on their sick bed from the wards to the radiology centre, and most of them are not that slim! But I bet the radiologist don't have that kind of imagination.

One of these days, I'm just afraid that I'd snap some nasty words into their head. Just because I'm a houseman, I got rejected. Some doesn't even let me finish my sentence, and ushered me off. Off course none of these radiologist relatives won't have to face what some other patient have to face, because they OWN the place don't they?

Maybe I need a break. Maybe I should go to another district hospital where there's no such intelligent people that we feel so dependent on, like the radiologist. I'm going home everyday feeling so tired because I have so much anger after seeing these kind of people. It's surely draining my strength and my pahala puasa.

There are times when I felt like crying in the car on the way home. Not because I couldn't get the urgent CT/MRI/whatever, not because I got scold by them, not because I felt that I didn't manage to do my job, but because of this anger that I felt in myself. And I know then that my heart in not at peace. And I pray to God to grant me that peace of mind, for He knows that is the greatest gift he could give to me, and that is the best gift I could ever receive from Him in this life.